Evolution to the Heavens

This is a page dedicated to my ever-evolving madness.

It's a wee bit personal so bear with it but it shall shed some more light onto who I am as a person.

Let's begin.

In Yin and Yang, also known as the key forces in what many know as Taoism which also served as cornerstone for Balance Theory, there is not only light and dark, femininity and masculinity, sun and moon— there is also Heaven and Earth.

Earth is represented by these vessels our spirits reside in, forged from the very dirt that covers the earth.

Heaven is represented by the spirit within the vessel. When it is not bound to a vessel, it is otherwise free and has complete access to its infinite potential which allows us as existenced of both heaven and earth to become whatever we wish in life.

Yet, let's say your mind evolved beyond the boundaries of your vessel.

Let's say you looked into that pitch black void of invisible yet infinitive endless energy and gained knowledge. Knowledge you truly believed to be the truthful secrets of the universe, of every universe, of the omniverse and of the multiverse.

They say often in some games or anime, that if you look into the Void, you either die or go insane.

So, if you survive, then you go insane from the knowledge you gained.

But let's say for instance, you consistently peer into the void. Constantly at the edge of death grasping at untold mysterious of life.

Your brain would eventually break, correct?

Well, there's no actual limit to how much memory and knowledge the human brain can contain.

In a way, we are probably capable of producing magic. Just likely through scientific inventions and discoveries as opposed to your typical easy to conjure from imagination sort of magic.

Of course, energy may be more prominent in other worlds which allows that typical kind of magic to exist like you see in the stories many love everyday.

But back to the scenario where you constantly look into the void.

Am I implying that I've done this?

Well yes. After the first time, somewhere during my tenth grade year, I delved within myself and entered a state of despair in which I accepted death as it was.

Living inside of myself, I learned many things about myself and about humans.

They're unpredictable outside of their primal instincts to survive and reproduce.

The reason? Their emotions.

For an autist, emotions are like a weird code that's a bit difficult to understand.

You can understand the concept but can't truly understand unless you yourself feel it.

Although, typically... Autists are unable to feel and/or comprehend complex emotions.

Now I'm no psychologist so I don't know the difference between complex and simple emotions.

I would imagine anger, sadness, and happiness are simple while love, envy, and hatred are complex?

But honestly, I grew up with some call "neurotypicals".

Essentially the "normal human" with all their emotions in full gear like all the time.

Often illogical and even more unpredictable than most humans.

Here I would like to mention another factor of Yin and Yang: Chaos and Order.

Chaotic existences tend to be extremely unpredictable, making them dangerous.

Meanwhile those with calm demeanor and a sense of orderly fashion tend to be more predictable but also not erratic like chaos.

Anyways, I consider myself a truly chaotic being.

But let's return to the neurotypicals and why it's significant that I grew up with them and was raised by them.

The reason for this being significant is because being raised by and growing up witj them allowed me to have more exposure to what one calls "emotion".

As such, I essentially understand what each emotion feels like and what it means.

The only one I'm currently unsure of is the most complex emotion of all: Love.

I think I may have a better grasp of it than I did before, however.

Although, love is super complicated and there's many types so I will not delve into any of that right now.

So, as a chaotic existence who has peered into the abyss of my mind, I have come to a better understanding of my Earth.

But as one who looks beyond (into the Void),  I consistently evolve as a being.

And because I consistently evolve, any metaphorical mask I may try to wear eventually shatters.

It takes a ton of effort and consistent reminders and adjustments to maintain any mask.

So imagine consistently evolving as a being. A spirit who constantly gains more and more knowledge while simultaneously having a burden on their body.

Enlightenment? I wouldn't really call it that.

It's more like an evolution to godliness.

Essentially, as I've evolved there is one thing I noticed: I had become a truly unique individual.

This I'm actually quite happy about...

HOWEVER...

It also meant there was nowhere on Earth for me to belong!

I was no longer anywhere near a normal human.

Even my autistic friends saw me as an oddity even for an autist.

So, if not with neurotypicals nor with autists, I had no place on Earth to belong.

This made my life extremely difficult.

As I desperately sought out places to belong only for them to end up somewhat temporary or just obsolete.

I accepted that I no longer had a place in this world so I began creating my own.

And I also found myself even more drawn to the worlds that games and anime portrayed.

Thinking that maybe, I could belong in worlds like these. Where the supernatural was more commonplace.

Because this world can't accept something it can't comprehend.

Instead, such things or people or demonized or seen as aliens, weirdos, ecetera.

And the "meta", as gamers call it, for this world was being normal and having a normal, everyday life that appeared to be rather stressful in my eyes.

The world's systems are confusing but not completely without reason. However the reasons they give make me question them even more.

Often coming to the conclusion of "That's just how this world is".

So, as I evolved into a true state of Heaven. A state of godliness.

I began seeking out new worlds to belong to.

And so I had a wish, a new dream to reach out for.

And I forged my path towards it.